Quello

My dazzling Imperials, welcome to the mushiest, most “aww” inducing post you will come across on this blog. If you do not own an amorous bone in your anatomy, please click on the ever present and looming red X in the corner of your browser. I have dedicated this drippy post to the one being that an Imperial may fully consider their equal in all aspects even if said person is not an Imperial. Today’s post will be somewhat of an advice piece on how to determine whether you have found Quello. This term being more commonly defined by the mediocre masses namely the Diary of Brigitte Jones’ crowd as “the one”. Obviously, as any self-respecting Imperial, you are to spew at the very thought of the term but on the other hand, what the word expresses is a concept which comes to the Imperial with much enchantment and approval. At many times, the Imperial may seem like a cold and callous creature but many forget that an Imperial is the fruit of perfection meaning they are capable of having all the qualities that are known to the human species. Thus, love is a very present notion in the Imperial’s emotional framework. An Imperial not being one to “whore around” has a limited quota of males and females to make their consort. Meaning, they must look for very intricate details to satisfy their imperialistic needs. I will be basing my analysis of these details on my own recently acquired Quello (shout out to Boobi). Firstly, a minimum of attraction is a must, noone wants to be doing someone that looks like Ribéry and Zahia’s illegitimate love child. Secondly, an Imperial is such a majestic piece of ass that they could not possibly match with someone who overpowers their scintillating personna. We should be able to find the perfect balance between domination and submission - yes, this is also erotically applicable. A common animosity for the mediocre masses should be a high flying subject of conversation where the Imperial and his or her Quello exchange rather petty yet superficially titillating chronicles on said mediocre masses. On the other hand, a considerable cognitive value should be present in order to stimulate each other… ahem… yes… intellectually. Social factors are also often deal makers or breakers. This is not Pretty Woman, you will not find a chav who knows how to act like a lady in front of your private school educated friends. It is important to be accustomed to one another’s circles and general views on society. To finish off this catalogue of determinants which aid the quest to amour-land, it is important to be aware of what is going on outside your nest of rapture. You have to be informed on how those around you perceive you and that primordially starts with your appearance. Being in sync with each other’s style in hopes of one day appearing on The Kooples leads to a happy and fashionable concord with one another. All these come across as dictations but in the end, human affection works in such runic ways that even an Imperial is out of reach when trying to control it… but hey, you can try.

Farmacismus

One of the many admirable characteristics of an Imperial is that they do not tend to conform to the usual attributes that society has set for what is considered “cool”. A large preponderance of this society, namely the 15 year olds who think saying Pete Doherty is attractive will make them seem in touch with their inner hipster, are those who set these absurd attributes. At the cost of this article sounding concerned-parent-y, I would like to point out the outlook of Imperials on the subject of Farmacismus, known to the inferiors as “drugs”. Farmacismus is often considered a right of passage through adolescence. When stating that one has not been in contact with these substances, many tend to be shocked or even disgusted at the fact that you have never been taken to a magical land where your speech is slurred and your neurons are dying. An Imperial will not look down on those who are paramours of escaping reality for a bit since one is never sure of the circumstances. On the other hand, an Imperial is in their absolute right and beautiful mind  to disapprove of the wannabe-junkies who worship Bob Marley yet know nothing if his vitality. These inferiors found in any social circle are those who deem themselves superior due to their deteriorating lungs and ebbing livers but in actual fact do NOT look good in hospital gowns. Imperials are not to be considered glorified souls either (although it may seem that way sometimes), they may have their fair share of “experiences”. An occasional hit on a short period of time is not discouraged, it allows the Imperial to experience an aspect of culture which has sadly become current and idolized. An Imperial will never “experiment” to the extent where their Imperialistic badge is repossessed, meaning they will shed their inhibitions - baaad Imperial. So, on a toned down level and during a little time frame, an Imperial is open to trying Snoop Dogg’s (sorry, Snoop Lion’s) lifestyle as long as they do not get sucked into the 14 year old hopeful burnout’s belief that Farmacismus are sO SW@g. 

All Hallow’s Evening

That faint smell of pumpkin and cinnamon following you around while you bustle about doing Imperialistic errands can only mean one thing, Halloween is approaching. We all know that Imperials detest these commercial holidays invented solely for one purpose, selling stuff. Although an Imperial does not engage in the act of dissevering an innocent pumpkin, forcing themselves on strangers’s confections or spending countless hours thinking of a witty costume, they do in fact attend gathering which have been thrown by the sales victims of this “joyous” event. An Imperial shall only invest in the most minor props such as devil ears, fake blood or some form of creepy contact lenses. At these gatherings, the Imperial should send out the message that they believe all these dupes have wasted their resources and time on a pagan ritual. Although artistic merit is to be attributed, if one dupe does seem to have quite a hand at transformation, compliments are due from an Imperial. Store bought pieces of plastic on the other hand deserve a snide remark involving either the words “unoriginal” or “trite”. All Hallow’s Evening is a night where an Imperial may unleash their inner bitch. They have the right to laugh and point at the girl who thought it was a good idea to come as a playboy bunny just because she believed being a harlot on Halloween is acceptable. One may also engage in petty comments on the couple who decided to arrive as a lock and key, seriously? we had no clue you machismo were engaging in coitus with Sasha Grey there. All in all, an Imperial should take any event associated to this “holiday” as an opportunity for complimentary food and drink but also a riveting occasion to release all that judging out of one’s system. 

Piccionismus

We have all encountered that miserable little simpleton who tries to impress you with his Hamann Porsche Cayenne. Obviously, in this poor soul’s world a person’s worth is measured upon one’s material holdings. Today’s chapter will be dedicated to familiarizing you to a new category of characters that are part of an Imperial’s delightful surroundings. These new characters shall be named the Piccionismus, known to the inferiors as “pigeons”. This term is more frequently used among our francophone buddies who refer to the gullible cretin with the same name as one of the most exasperating bird on earth. “Regarde moi ce putain de pigeon”. I have myself recently been plunged into the hotspot of this species. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I have been able to study these diesel-guzzling nitwits. Their behaviors often vary depending on sex or heritage. The male preponderance often engages in activities varying from spending magnanimous sums of daddy’s cash on over-priced booze in a bass-filled hole to repeating said sequence in St.Tropez or Gstaad. The female portion often invest themselves in similar activities but a series of trips down to any shop sporting logo-coated leather goods is in order. It is also very important for any person’s well-being that one is able to spot this breed of duds. Their attire tends to be often distasteful yet worth a small house, the saying “less is more” does not naturally come to mind whilst getting a glimpse of their D&G gold plates on every piece of clothing. This is often true for the boys, ladies on the other hand are clones of one another. Media often criticizes the burqa for removing a woman’s individuality but I see no difference in sporting various colors of Balenciagas with the same black patent Moncler winter jacket. Of course, it is un-Imperial-like to criticize these beings that have often been brought up in a bubble, a Dom Perignon one (I am trying to familiarize myself with their humor). Alas, not all mortals have had the pleasure of acquiring an Imperial’s taste, cognitive skills and wit and it is wrong for us to mock these diamond and gold Rolex wearing tomfools. One must let them ride freely in their Audi S5, and only occasionally shake our heads and roll our eyes at the misuse of O2 which is the Piccionismus.

Mangiarismus

The Imperial is above all a human, although it may not seem so sometimes due to their holy traits, and as a human one must nourish oneself. This post shall be dedicated to the topic of Mangiarismus, known to the inferiors as food. Firstly, one must keep in mind that an Imperial has a phenomenal metabolism which allows him or her to experience diverse and breathtaking savors without having to worry about love handles. Basically, food is an Imperial’s friend unlike most senseless women magazines will tell you. An Imperial shares quite a fond relationship with pabulum, an Imperial does not eat to nourish him or herself, they eat to let their tastebuds attain climax. That beautiful girl sitting by the window with her long blond hair flowing exquisitely down her prim Yves Saint Laurent blazer reading Wuthering Heights while eating her bowl of salad is in actual fact NOT an Imperial. You see, although she may have all the necessary characteristics to be part of this elite group of individuals, her comestibles gives her away. An Imperial while being perfectly groomed and clothed at all times, is a carefree animal who enjoys life like a coke addict in Columbia and so the Imperial shall appreciate their food to the fullest because food can be considered an art and when has an Imperial passed up the chance to luxuriate in art. An Imperial will of course enjoy the finest truffles laid out on a bed of caviar with a side of foie gras (remind me to never participate in Top Chef) but also the greasiest, most heart attack inducing hamburger one may lay eyes on without discriminating the “worth” of the aliment. Imperials are not food snobs basically.

Deceptionismus

During the course of an Imperial’s titillating animateness, there shall be slight bumps in the road. Of course, they shall be kept at a bare minimum since an Imperial tends to be auspicious in all aspects of his or her essence. But if a hurdle should be met, an Imperial should have a very peculiar manner of dealing with it. Imperials being humans nonetheless may experience the unbounded hope which comes along with Deceptionismus - known to the inferiors as “deception”. That mounting feeling of glee that arises when one believes in a future gaiety but very soon is shot down like an antagonist in a Bond movie. To be honest, I have recently been victim to one of these morose happenings but as an Imperial I took it in as a follower of Narcissismus should. There are 3 general steps to follow when in this type of situation:

1. Painismus: In this phase, the Imperial will feel reduced, vulnerable and even unworthy. Basically like an inferior. The Imperial might even show emotion, tears are the most popular. Although the Imperial is quite exposed at this time, they also portray a humane image. Reassuring the inferiors that these almighty beings called Imperials are not as heavenly as they presumed. 

2. Acceptancismus: Here the Imperial shall accept what has been thrown at him or her and take it in with dignity. The difference between an Imperial and an inferior is that while the inferior will run around like a headless chicken and be in a rut in phase 1, the Imperial shall have already used their perspicacious cognition and found solutions to the dilemma.

3. Practicismus: In this final phase, the Imperial is his or her conventional self. Whatever solution was unearthed is now put into practice and probably even turned out to be a worthier decision than the initial one. 

Librismus

Welcome to another intellectually pretentious post about the wondrous interests of us groovy Imperials. Books should be one of the most imperative form of entertainment for Imperials, they should submerge themselves in the works of ancient and modern authors. While the oldies do bring about amusement and relish at their initial peruse and do not cease to increase in delightfulness at secondary and tertiary readings, their lyrical words does not manage to lure the reader away from the fact that Romeo and Juliet are 13 year old drama queens, literally. The more modern works on the other hand which are sightly more comprehensible on the first glance do make us enjoy a story to it’s fullest, their stylistic richness isn’t quite as copious. Let me not further fatigue you with English teacher-esque drool, basically, read a lot, expand your already magnanimous vocabulary and make as many literary references as you can in your speech in order to seem cultured - which you obviously are. 

In the Land of Blood and Honey

As a loyal Imperial, I very much enjoy arts. The art although that I am most keen on is cinema and so, frequently submerge myself into various features in order to spend a few hours of absolute Arcadia. The motion picture I have most recently savored is Angelina Jolie’s debut film as a director “In the Land of Blood and Honey”, this tenacious tale of war torn Bosnia-Herzegovina truly stirred me. I have very often seen war films, more specifically regarding genocides whether it be the Holocaust, the Partition of British India or the Cambodian genocide; all have of course moved and disturbed me to a great extent yet seemed a little impersonal, as if it were just a documentary throwing raw images at me. This I feel is the foremost difference between Jolie’s film and the others, she manages to create a bleak yet warm mood reversing from lamentable mass murder scenes to ardent love scenes between the two protagonists Danijel and Ajla. I felt like this film was a breath of fresh air, showing an often ignored side to the genocide. The film also gave me a potential enlightenment on how Serbs genuinely feel today,that despite the 20 years difference, religion may still be a factor in fragmented camaraderies. Artistically, the film ensued pleasing camera work, with flattering angles and strong moments made stronger by the sole use of sound. Politically, I am no professional historian and only know the basic facts about this very complicated conflict so am in no position to judge Angelina Jolie’s accuracy but by my general knowledge it seems that she has managed to capture it in a very truthful light. I found it very significant the way the lack of international aid is present in the film, this helped intensify the injustice Muslims endured during the 3 years. It puts into question the true reasons why powerful nations choose to interfere in innocent maltreatment, it is obvious that the Muslim Bosnians were of no political, social or economic use to any of the powers and so it so blatantly apparent how the rest of the world chose to ignore their suffering. As a whole, I cannot stress enough how much I bawled at this piece of art but at the same time was very much touched and educated about the genocide. Angelina Jolie has truly outdone herself as a first time director. I also enjoyed her choice of a title, “In the Land of Blood and Honey” this is probably from the word Balkans which could be decomposed into “Bal” and “Kan”, the first meaning honey and the latter meaning blood in Turkish. 

"Don’t be so humble, you are not that great"

Golda Meir

Maquillismus

This post goes out to all my fecund beings… While being the dazzling dudettes you are, it is only normal for you to get a slight dose of stress from excesses of ego or vigorous showers of love and so, with stress comes flaws. Of course an Imperial shall never in any case show signs of inadequacy and must engage in merely ensconcing such glitches. But the Imperial should always create a facade which parades them in a nonchalant and natural manner. Just because L’oréal True Match Foundation is cheap, does not mean that you are permitted to thoroughly paint your countenance with it. I do although advise you to invest in cosmetics that shall efficiently attain the result you are eager to see but also has healing qualities in the long run. My goal today is not to “totally like show you how to do makeup and yeahhh” but just give you a few pointers as how to look like an Imperial and not like Snooki during the Indian festival of Holi. An everyday appearance should seem as effortless and inherent as humanly possible, meaning that you should try to bypass any form of maquillage if you can afford to. Those who are epidermically less fortuitous should once again, try at their most optimum level at keeping the orange facial hues to a minimum. Now, if the Imperial is attending one of their many glamorous social events, you should aim at accentuating what has been gifted to you by the heavens. Meaning, don’t try to obtain Angelina’s pout if you have more Gwyneth Paltrow-y tendencies. Strive to differ your everyday manifestation from the celebratory one, the inferior and other Imperials in the room should be compelled, nay, obliged to praise your allure. And I shall end this superficial drivel with a hackneyed conclusion: Do keep in mind though that what truly creates an Imperial’s exquisiteness is foremost what they garner inside their pretty little selves.